i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
