She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
