Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
