I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
