I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
