meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
