Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
