I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
