There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
