Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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