He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The uberlube is also flammable
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
