some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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