i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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