I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
