Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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