Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
