I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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