i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
