I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
