Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
