I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
