new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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