i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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