I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
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worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
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He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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