who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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