I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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