You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
