i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
