mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
