I'm gonna have a badass scar
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
