I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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