does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
