he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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