Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
