70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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