Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
