Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
