Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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