All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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