Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
