Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
