are you so shy because you have an std?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
