If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
