we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
