the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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