New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
