Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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