just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
