Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
