Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
