It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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