shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
