Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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