I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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